There are precious few messages one needs to announce via T-shirt. Yet they never convey those messages. I’ve never seen a T-shirt that warns “I Have Herpes” or “I Talk About Crypto” or “I Voted for Eric Adams for Mayor.” The only shirt that gave me information I was even curious about was this one:
The worst offenders are T-shirts bragging about the wearer’s love for wine. These do not aim for the subtle bragging I do here at The Corrupt Wine Writer, which is designed to let you know how much more sophisticated I am than you are. These shirts accomplish the opposite. Their goal is to remind people that wine contains alcohol. Almost exclusively worn by women, these shirts communicate – in the cutest fonts and colors – that they are alcoholics.
If you replace “wine” with any other drink on these shirts, they cease being adorable. For instance:
Same thing if you change this:
To:
I know that wine can get you drunk. I also know that a Tanzanian peaberry pour-over will get you wired. But these aren’t the most efficient vehicles for administering these effects. If “sip happens, but wine helps” is what’s going on in your life, down some light beers. Chug some margaritas. Go to a meeting. But don’t use the sophistication of wine as a socially acceptable cover for getting loaded. Especially if you’re also pretending that you’re here for a book club even though no one in the group has read the assigned book in three years. The Brohibition movement is coming for wine. They’ve suddenly discovered that drinking isn’t good for us. Cancer, cirrhosis, weight gain, waking up in the middle of the night wondering why your heart is pounding until you remember that you drank most of the bottle. It’s like being haunted by your own liver. The defense we wine drinkers use is that we drink moderately. With dinner. For the taste. Not because “wine is cheaper than therapy.” Or because “mommy juice” means that “every day is Winesday.” So, please, if you’re going to sartorially celebrate your unhealthy stress drinking, don a trucker cap that says “Stirred, Not Shaken... Unless You’re Into That” or sweatpants with “Buttweiser” on the back. It’s not that we in the wine community don’t want you. It’s just that we think you’d be more comfortable with the cocktail folks. You're currently a free subscriber to The Corrupt Wine Writer. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription.
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Monday, March 17, 2025
Please Don't Wear T-Shirts About Wine
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