LAST WEEK'S BREAKTHROUGHSIn last week’s newsletter, I argued that you can only tell what you value by what you're willing to say no to, and asked you to say no to one thing. Georgia said no to alcohol after 20 years of self-medicating:
“I’ve been saying ‘yes’ to alcohol since I was 12. For over half of my life I’ve been binge drinking to self medicate the feelings of unworthiness that consumed me for as long as I remember. Three weeks ago I finally said ‘no’.
Over the last few years I’ve completely turned my life around through self reflection, therapy, and a career overhaul. But until then alcohol was numbing me. It served a purpose, and I valued it more than most things in my life. Now that I’m finally becoming the person I was meant to be, I'm realising something… I don’t value alcohol anymore.
Alcohol over the last year or so had become more of a habit than self medication. I didn’t enjoy the way it made me feel anymore, and I really don’t like the hangovers that my 30s brought! So three weeks ago I said ‘no!’.
And it feels amazing. I feel free. I feel at peace. I feel ready to be me.”
David said no to dinner with his ex-wife—and meant it:
“My wife and I were together for 6 years and have now been separated for about a year, with the divorce still pending. We share our dog Millie, so we still see each other every couple of weeks for handovers.
I still love my wife, and for most of the past year I hoped we'd reconcile. The confusing part is that we still get along really well — we go for walks with Millie, have dinner together sometimes, talk for hours. But if I'm honest, part of me kept participating because I hoped she'd eventually change her mind.
Recently I finally told her I'm not chasing reconciliation anymore. I respect her decision to separate, and after a year of hanging on, I realized I need to actually accept it and move forward.
Then last week we went for a walk with Millie to discuss the settlement, and she surprised me — she apologized for how things had gone, and opened up about how she's still struggling with the separation herself. I mostly just listened.
When we got back to her place, she asked if I wanted to come in for dinner. Normally I would have loved to. But I said no, and went home.
It sounds ridiculously small written down, but it was hard. Part of me absolutely wanted to go inside, and I even felt guilty afterward for saying no. But I realized I can't keep participating in this half-relationship where I get pieces of the marriage I still want, while knowing she doesn't want the marriage itself.
It's only been a week, but I feel better. I can't control whether my marriage ends or whether she ever changes her mind. I can control whether I spend another year waiting for her to. So somehow, saying no to dinner felt like a pretty big milestone.”
Mike walked away from a friendship that only valued what he could provide:
“I recently left a toxic friendship with a couple in which I was only valued for what I could provide, not as a human being. I used my professional skills to help them through a variety of legal, psychological, and emotional crises — at a cost to me of multiple job opportunities and even a first date.
Once things started going well for them, I noticed they didn't want to hang out as much anymore. I was left off invites, and their friends started keeping their distance. When I asked directly, they told me I was imagining it.
After a few months of this, I decided my dignity was worth more. I explained my feelings clearly, gave a timeline, and said I wanted a break from the friendship. They accused me of abandoning and betraying them. Throughout it all, I stayed polite — I returned everything of theirs, never spoke badly of them publicly, and kept my venting to my own support network. They've since tried to shame me on social media and in communities we share.
My resolve got shaky, but rereading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck gave me the strength to hold my boundaries. So, thank you. Being part of your newsletter gave me the tools to better myself and rebuild my life, and after nearly a year of unemployment, I'm about to start a new job — thanks in large part to it.”
As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous. Until next week, Mark Manson #1 New York Times Bestselling Author
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