Hey there,
It's Day 04 of the Emotions Mini-Course and you've learned a lot so far.
Types of emotional regulation styles, how your culture impacts your emotional expression, what emotions even are.
But here's the big secret: emotional regulation isn't a single skill—it's a set of tools. You don't "fix" your feelings once and for all, you learn to work with them. And that may look different in any given moment.
In addition to what you've already learned, there's another way of approaching emotional regulation that I want to make sure you understand.
TODAY'S MINI-LESSON: The Four Schools of Emotional Regulation
Over the last hundred years or so, psychologists have offered different approaches to emotional regulation, and today there are four generally accepted schools of emotional regulation.
The Heart – Where Emotions Come To Be Understood
You can thank Freud for this one, and his insight that a lot of what you feel and do is shaped by things you are not consciously aware of. While others built on his initial findings, the consensus is that emotions are meaningful.
Emotions don't need to be eliminated, they need to be understood for what they are: clues about what the person is really feeling deep inside.
In this school, you're encouraged to ask yourself: "What is my pain trying to say?" And, more importantly, "What happens if I actually listen?"
The heart gives you insight into how you're feeling.
The Head – Changing The Way You Think
Sure, it's good to be aware of what you're feeling deep inside. But sometimes how you're feeling is determined by your thoughts. And your thoughts can be misleading.
That's what this school of emotional regulation focuses on. That you aren't upset because of what happened to you, but what you think happened to you.
The theory? If you change your thoughts, you can change your emotion.
The head gives you leverage.
The Soul – Mindfulness, Acceptance, and the Art of Letting Go
While the first two schools assume emotions need to be solved (wink wink), the Soul believes your emotions need to be accepted. (And then maybe you can change them.)
Instead of fighting your feelings or running away from them, this school asks what would happen if you just sat with them. The soul believes emotions aren't enemies; they are visitors who happened to stop by for a bit. If you accept them, they'll do their job and move on.
The soul wants you to stop fighting yet keep moving forward.
The Body – Where Emotions Actually Live
In the first three schools, the body was ignored. But we all know that the body cannot be ignored, and this school acknowledges that emotions aren't just a mental event. Emotions are also bodily states that inform your brain.
And, as more research is done on how bodies literally store trauma, it's becoming more evident that the body is key to regulating your emotions. You may be able to fake your thoughts, but your body's nervous system isn't faking it when it sends that feeling straight to your gut.
The body understands that emotional regulation isn't just a cognitive skill, it's an embodied one.
TODAY'S ACTION PROMPT:
Which School made the most sense to you?
Of course all four schools are important in emotional regulation, but did one school make more sense to you than the others? Think about why you understood that school above the rest.
Which School made the least sense?
Is there one school of emotional regulation that didn't make sense at all? Or maybe it made sense, you just didn't really resonate with it. Think about why that may be.
Do you see how each school offers a different tool you can use to handle your emotions?
BONUS: ANOTHER TOOL TO TRY
This tool relates to the Body school, and helps because while most people try to "think" their way out of emotions, it's nearly impossible when your nervous system is activated. Logic doesn't land when your body can't process it. That's why physical tools like this often work faster than mental ones.
This tool is called "Shake it off" and is best used when you're feeling out of control, dissociated, anxious, angry, emotionally triggered, or even if you don't feel anything but know something is wrong.
It's four simple steps.
- Stand and shake your arms, hands, shoulders.
- Let it travel through your body.
- Shake for 30–60 seconds.
- Let yourself breathe and release.
That's it. Give it a try and see how you feel after.
WANT TO TAKE THIS LESSON DEEPER?
Drew and I go into way more depth on the four schools and how to regulate your emotions in the Emotions episode of Solved and the Solved Guide.
I've got one more tool for you to try out tomorrow, but if you want to keep going, remember we have a whole month-long course on this inside The Solved Membership.
It's just $24.99 per month with a 60-day no-questions-asked refund policy and no commitment necessary. You'll get a full Emotional ToolKit, a supportive community, and small daily action prompts to keep this process going.
According to Cara, who joined earlier this year, "The daily action steps are small enough to be achievable, and it's a relaxed, friendly space full of people who enjoy figuring out why we are the way we are and what we can do about the more annoying bits."
Tomorrow's our last day of the mini-course, and I'll be sharing how to put it all together to finally be able to control your emotions.
See you then,
Mark
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