Join me in conversation with author Karen Walrond on Substack Live this Thursday, September 25, 11am PT about her new book, In Defense of Dabbling: The Brilliance of Being a Total Amateur. Dabbling is about so much more than getting a hobby, and we’ll talk about why it’s so valuable for us parents of young adults. YOU’LL LOVE KAREN. COME!
I CAME ACROSS A NOTE by hospice nurse Denise Napoli Long about the futile tendency of family members to get angry about what an elder loved one could have done to prevent their own illness or decline. Here’s an excerpt (but you should really read the whole note):
I recognized this dynamic in myself (not proud to say). My mom has Parkinson’s, a degenerative neurological disease that shows up in many ways. For Mom, the most dangerous problem is lack of balance. She recently finished a two-month stint in a rehab facility after a fall that fractured one of her vertebrae. Amazingly, the fracture wasn’t painful and she healed well, but her balance is more precarious than ever. If only she’d been more active! If only she’d walk more! If only she’d take that chair yoga class at her residence! I found myself thinking, then felt like a jerk. Denise was right; it’s easier to stay distracted by anger than face what’s actually happening right in front of you. Mom talked about regrets quite a bit while stuck in bed — choices she wishes she’d made, things she’d do differently, as if different choices would have led to different outcomes. Of course that’s true, but there’s no way to know which outcomes, and besides, what does it matter now? I fall into this dynamic with my kids, too. One of the hardest parts of this parenting stage is standing back and watching them dig themselves into holes then struggle to climb back out. I get angry and judgmental — if only they’d get up earlier! Spend less time on their phones! Do some research! Make some calls! Go to the library! But it’s all a projection. I’m not actually mad about what they should do; I’m mad about what I should have done as a parent. As if my bad parenting choices caused their garden variety 20-something struggles. Perhaps they have! But there’s no way to know for sure, and besides, how does that help now? Life is full of friction, and learning to manage that friction is what growing up is all about. Hopefully we learn from our regrets. But dwelling there is a trap. All we can do is to turn back around and start from where we are today. Denise wisely observed that love (for an ailing parent, for a struggling kid) sometimes shows up as an irrational wish to turn back time. But…
Mom’s back in her apartment with a caretaker helping her for a few hours per day. I don’t know what’s ahead for her, or my kids, or me. I can’t know. But today is today, and I’m trying to stay here and begin again with them, now.
🗄️ RELATED READINGFrom the Parenting Young Adults and Supporting Elders archives:
🔗 NOTES OF NOTE
See you in the comments, and hope to see you in person later this week on Substack Live. 🩵
Thanks for reading Parent of Adults, my invitation to compare notes on life beyond the empty nest. I’m Asha Dornfest, a Portland, Oregon-based author & parent of two young adults. If you’re new here, welcome! Read the About page to learn more about my newsletter or subscribe now for free.
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Monday, September 22, 2025
“It doesn’t matter how it happened.”
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