My adult kids aren't moving out any time soon. How do we shift the dynamics to make living together easier?Parent of Adults Mailbag #3 📬✨
Welcome to the third edition of the Parent of Adults Mailbag in which we bring our collective wisdom and warm fuzzies to bear on a fellow subscriber’s quandary. Got your own question or crowdsource request? Submit it here.
Mel from the UK seeks input from parents whose adult kids live at home:
Thanks for the fantastic question, Mel. I’m back at my desk after several weeks of travel, a couple bumps in the road, and our first family case of COVID (and now rebound, sigh). Which is to say, I’ve had some perspective shifts since we last met in your inbox. My situation differs from yours: my kids did move out, both out of state. One is now a college graduate living in an apartment in Minnesota and the other’s a rising college senior who’s home for the summer taking an online class. I realize that “home for the summer” isn’t the same as living together. But I’ve noticed some patterns and tonal shifts I hope will help. It’s a process.The shift in dynamic from “parent/child” to “parent/adult” seems to be happening by degrees, in little moments and individual conversations. It takes time, more than I expected. It’s subtle.For us, it has been less about what I say and more about how I say it. I try to acknowledge my kids’ independence and agency, and frame my requests as invitations to contribute and build skills. I’m not saying it’s a magic formula, but it has helped (gradually!) lower the defensiveness that flares up when my kids feel I’m treating them like little kids. We’re all adults, but we’re not peers.This feels awkward to say as I tend toward egalitarianism and am uncomfortable embracing authority (for good or for ill; looking back there were times I was probably too permissive as a parent). While I absolutely agree with the need to move away from an outdated parent/kid dynamic, and the landlord/tenant model doesn’t fit, what does fit? It’s your house, after all, so you bear the consequences of its upkeep and have the right to make decisions. There’s a hierarchy; a benevolent one, to be sure, but it’s there. It’s helped us to acknowledge and accept that hierarchy. Interestingly, the more our kids come up against the challenges of adulthood, the more they appreciate when and why we take charge. We’re moving toward a hybrid dynamic with shades of parent/kid, host/guest, and mentor/mentee. We don’t talk about household responsibilities as if they’re childhood chores, but when they’re home we ask our kids to pitch in. Not as favors to us, but as responsible adults, polite guests, and respectful kids. When I say respectful, I mean it in the way I show respect and appreciation to my own parents as elders, not as the default “because I’m the parent” obedience I expected (but rarely got) when they were little.
I hope this helps. I’ll stop here as I want to pass the mic to those of you with more practical experience. 🎤 If you live with your adult kids, what advice would you offer Mel about how to shift the vibe at home?
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Tuesday, June 4, 2024
My adult kids aren't moving out any time soon. How do we shift the dynamics to make living together easier?
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