Welcome to One Thing Better. Each week, the editor in chief of Entrepreneur magazine (that's me) shares one way to achieve a breakthrough at work — and build a career or company you love.
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Someone upset you, and you want to respond immediately.
Maybe they criticized your work, or said something rude, or made a bad decision. Your first instinct is to tell them exactly how you feel — to defend yourself, set the record straight, or make sure they know they're wrong.
But here's what I've learned:
Your short-term impulses rarely serve your long-term needs.
Today, I'll share a framework that's helped me navigate moments of stress more effectively — and show you why the most satisfying response is rarely the smartest one.
When you want to fight back
Recently, a friend of mine had a problem at work.
She reviewed a colleague's document and gave feedback, but her colleague was offended by it. Now the colleague was giving her the cold shoulder and seemed to be talking to their boss about the "problem."
My friend was frustrated. Her feedback had been professional and necessary, and she caught a few important errors.
Now my friend wanted to confront the coworker directly. "She's lucky I caught her mistakes," my friend said, "and I'm going to tell her that."
Hold on, I said.
Before she did anything, I wanted to share a story about the worst professional email I ever sent...
The email that taught me everything
Back in college, I was an editor at the student magazine. Another editor, Marty, once did something that upset me. So I wrote him a long, furious email.
I can't remember what the problem was, or what my email said. But I do distinctly remember one sentence, which sums it all up.
I wrote: "You have fucked me, Marty."
So dramatic. I mean, I was 19.
I hit send and felt satisfied for exactly one second. Then I realized all the things that would follow: I would wait in agony for him to respond. Then he would respond, and I'd be afraid to open the email. Eventually I'd have to read it. Then I'd feel upset. Then I'd have to escalate the situation or apologize.
By sending the email, I had made the situation even larger. I had to think about it more, worry about it more, and spend more time on it — which was the exact opposite of what I wanted.
The framework that changes everything
That experience taught me to think differently about these moments.
When we're upset and want to respond immediately, we need to step back and ask ourselves three questions:
- What are my short-term needs? It's often to feel vindicated.
- What are my long-term needs? Usually stability, focus, and good relationships.
- What's right for this situation? What serves everyone involved, not just my ego?
Now here's the hardest part: Once you identify everything above, you must de-prioritize your own short-term needs. Because if you pursue them, it'll often come at the cost of your long-term needs.
I shared all this with my friend, who was struggling with her offended coworker. And I explained:
- Your short-term needs are to feel vindicated.
- Your long-term needs are to do good work and be valued at the company.
- What's right for the situation? It's to get everyone aligned.
If she pursued her short-term needs, she'd probably say something she regretted — and then spend the next week obsessing over it.
"Don't talk to your coworker at all," I told my friend. "Just go to your boss. Explain that you're concerned about the tension, and you want guidance on how to proceed. That'll make your boss feel needed and appreciated, and show that your top priority is the team."
So that's what she did. And it went great.
The boss said she was right, and that the coworker was overreacting. He talked to the coworker, and my friend never had to have the confrontation at all.
"Thank you," she told me. "I would have totally made the problem worse."
Why we create our own problems
It feels counterintuitive:
When we give in to our short-term needs, we create more discomfort for ourselves. And when we do what's right for the situation as a whole, we create less discomfort — even if it means we have to apologize for something, swallow our pride a little, or pass up a moment of vindication.
This applies everywhere.
In relationships: Your partner does something that annoys you. You could snap at them immediately, which will lead to an argument, hurt feelings, and more conversations to repair the damage. Or you could wait until you're calm and address it constructively.
With friends: Someone cancels plans last minute. You could send a passive-aggressive text about how inconsiderate they are, which will make things weird. Or you could express disappointment directly but kindly, and focus on making new plans.
With customers or clients: They make an unreasonable request. You could tell them exactly why they're wrong, which might feel good but could cost you the relationship. Or you could find a way to redirect them that serves both of your needs.
The life you actually want
This is hard to appreciate, but we all need to hear it:
When you feel wronged, it does not matter if other people know it.
Instead, what matters is that you're able to move on with your life and do what you want.
I don't want a life of endless squabbles and distractions. I don't want to constantly worry what someone else is thinking.
Instead, I want a life of bountiful goodwill and open highways — where I can focus on what matters, and pursue what I desire, because I'm not bogged down by disagreement.
Your future self will thank you for the restraint you show today.
That's how to do one thing better.
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Final notes for today...
P.S. What if a friend asks you for a favor... but they have not been helpful to you in the past? Here's my advice.
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That's all for this week! See you next Tuesday.
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