Trump's Birthday Card to Jeffrey EpsteinMy Friends Wrote Me Letters For My 50th Birthday, Too. Let's Compare
Of the more than 50 letters my wife cajoled my friends and family to write to me for my 50th birthday, not one of them contains a drawing of a naked woman, with or without arms. This despite the fact that one of my friends a talented New Yorker cartoonist. Meanwhile, though I’ve only seen one of Jeffrey Epstein’s 50th birthday letters, he’s one-for-one on naked-lady doodles. Worse than the lack of original art, my letters are boring in a way that depresses me. Reza Aslan wrote, “What I love about Joel is that he loves conferences. He likes to ‘network’ and ‘confab.’ He actually attends the panels!” My friend Josh Tyrangiel wrote, “I showed you my stories before I’d turn them in. You told me about the 20 lines of Quark Time-style and how to get around it.” The comedy actress Gillian Vigman could only offer, “One of my favorite memories of Joel was when we all did our version of Chopped and you guys brought over tomatillos.” That’s the craziest story she has about me. None of my letters are about sex, even though three were written by people I’ve slept with. In fact, the closest the letters come to making me seem exciting is this line from L.A. Philharmonic violinist Akiko Tarumoto: “Joel is the coolest person in the audience any night that he comes to the L.A. Phil.” A talented comedy writer, Pete Huyck, wrote, “He knows good food and good wine, not necessarily in that order.” Like many of the screenwriters who wrote me a letter, none made the Trumpian effort to write me a script. However, unlike Trump’s letter to Epstein, all of my letters do make sense. Not a one seems like it was written by QAnon. If a friend wrote me a letter that said, as Trump’s did, “may every day be another wonderful secret,” I would assume it was some Christian thing I didn’t know, like “walk in his light” or “crown him with many crowns.” Another line in Trump’s letter sounds equally Christian: “There must be more to life than having everything.” If Trump had just drawn wings where those lady arms should be, I think we’d all think it was a deeply religious letter. Also, if he weren’t writing it to a sex trafficker. After looking through my sad 50th birthday letters, I found it impossible to fathom how Trump wrote this after getting the same assignment my wife had given. If I were writing a murder mystery script and an exec suggested adding a scene with a letter that said, “We have certain things in common, Jeffrey,” I’d reject it as too unbelievable. I never said to someone who also likes wine, “We have certain things in common, Pete, only I wouldn’t make an interest in wine the focus of a letter about our 32-year-long friendship.” Look, I get that a 50th birthday letter to Jeffrey Epstein is going to be different than one to a random journalist who hasn’t done any sex trafficking. But Trump’s letter is still particularly weird. And while I wouldn’t say I’m jealous, I do wish Pete had made the effort to draw me a little something. Thank you for paying to read my column. Wait: This is for the people who didn’t pay? Then I owe you nothing. You are the ones contributing to the end of my career. If you want to pay an exorbitant amount of money to get one extra post a month – which often won’t even be that good – upgrade to a paid subscription here:
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Tuesday, September 9, 2025
Trump's Birthday Card to Jeffrey Epstein
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