Parental over-functioning is a sneaky bastardYou never think *you're* the helicopter parent until you look up and see the propeller spinning over your head.
Before we dive into my low-key confessional, a warm welcome to new subscribers! Many of you found me via Meagan Francis’s excellent piece in the Atlantic about dorm room decorating. Today’s newsletter picks up a thread from that conversation. I hope you’ll join me in the comments to share your thoughts or just say hi. A special note to those of you who jumped right in as paid subscribers (including four new Lifetime subscribers!): I’m blown away by your generosity. Thank you *so* much.
Here’s something I’ve learned about helicopter parenting¹: it’s only obvious when someone else does it. I don’t think I’m a helicopter parent? When my kids were away at college, I didn’t intervene with their professors and bosses, or request daily text updates or swoop in to solve their every problem. I paid for dorm stuff but it was modest in volume and mostly necessities. Parental over-functioning isn’t always so clear-cut, though, is it? You can’t necessarily recognize it in the moment. Circumstances and needs and timelines vary so much! Who decides when “engaged” tips into “helicopter?” Is my definition of “just enough” too much? Should I have sent my son off with hand-me-down towels instead of buying a new set at Target? Is that whoosh whoosh whoosh I’m hearing the sound of propeller blades? 🚁🤷♀️
What I appreciate about Meagan’s article about parental dorm decorating is that it’s not another entry in the annals of parent shaming, She points out the hazards of going to extremes but not without compassion for the pressures and feelings that might motivate a parent to go there, like, say, the anxiety and grief that comes with moving your kids out? Not everyone feels that way, but for those of us who do there aren’t many places to express it. I may not process grief through decorating, but color-coordinated throw pillows and desk accessories might be just the thing to ease another parent’s heart through a difficult time; a parting flourish of care and comfort, a tender marking of the passage from one home to another.
The dorm days are behind us; both my kids have graduated and moved back in with us as they plot their next steps. Adjusting to life in the same house again comes with its own challenges, including the temptation to over-function as a parent. It doesn’t look like a five-star bedroom makeover, but it’s always lurking. People talk about young adults regressing when they return home, but I notice myself sliding back into behavioral grooves we’ve all outgrown. The post-college transition can be tricky, and my reflexive urge to problem-solve is tangled up with my love. This might have been helpful a few years ago, but now that my kids are adults my “help” risks slowing their independence. I can be too much but sometimes I can only see that after the fact. I thought I had my self-control dialed in as I prepared for the kids’ return, but now that we’re in the thick of it I need to course correct. I need to “suggest” less, better tolerate everyone’s discomfort (including my own), and recommit to my own projects and priorities. It’s only been a couple weeks since my kids got home, too soon for grand pronouncements. But I can say this: Parental over=functioning is a sneaky bastard. My “just enough” might turn out to be too much or too little. I’ll just have to keep adjusting. Someday — maybe soon — I’ll be able to look back and see the error or genius of my ways. But for now, I’m taking a breath and reminding myself that I love these two kids and am trying my best. Today, that’s more than enough.
🗄️ IN THE ARCHIVESRelated reading
…and more about parenting young adults 📝 NOTES OF NOTE
Thanks for reading. See you in the comments. 🩵 This is Parent of Adults, my invitation to compare notes on life beyond the empty nest. I’m Asha Dornfest, a Portland, Oregon-based author & parent of two young adults. ➡️ Learn more about Parent of Adults or subscribe now for free. 1 If you haven’t heard the term, helicopter parenting is when parents hover and do too much for their kids, potentially impeding their growth and resilience.
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Tuesday, September 2, 2025
Parental over-functioning is a sneaky bastard
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