Hey there,
Welcome back for Day 03 of the Emotions Mini-Course.
Over the last 24 hours, you "should" have thought about how certain emotions were treated in your childhood home.
I put "should" in quotes because there is no wrong way to do this mini-course.
You're already making progress just by reading these emails and beginning to better understand emotions and how they affect your life.
But if one of the areas you'd like to improve upon by speaking the language of emotion more confidently is your relationships, read on—today's lesson is for you.
TODAY'S MINI-LESSON: Emotional Regulation Isn't a New Trend
The term emotional regulation is thrown about quite a bit these days, but most people don't seem to really understand the concept. Emotional regulation isn't about dominating, denying, or repressing your emotions: it's about knowing when to let them speak, when to quiet them, and when to stop putting yourself in situations where those emotions will blow up in the first place.
Basically, emotional regulation is all about your ability to respond to your range of emotions in a healthy way—healthy for you and those you're in relationships with.
And learning how to do that is a skill you can hone, one that starts with understanding some of the different emotional regulation styles.
For example, two people could actually want and prioritize the same emotions in the same circumstance but approach things in entirely different ways.
Prevention-Focused: These people want to avoid conflict and keep things calm, even if that means distracting or suppressing emotions when things get tense. It's not that they don't want to connect or resolve problems, they just want to keep things stable.
Promotion-Focused: These people just want to grow closer in the relationship, no matter what's going on. They want to dive in, talk it out, and get to the emotional bottom of things. Sure, they want peace too. But they want to get there through intimacy, not distraction.
Once you understand how you and the other person like to regulate, you can stop taking things personally and work through the problem at hand.
There are styles of emotional regulation as well.
Think of these more like dialects. We are all speaking the same language, some people just do it with a thicker accent.
- You have suppressors who go silent and keep you from seeing any of the emotions they are dealing with. Even if the world seems to be falling apart around them, they may seem fine.
- Meanwhile, expressers will make sure everyone knows exactly how they are feeling. Even if everything seems to be going great, they will share their every emotion with everyone.
- Externalizers regulate emotion by looking outward. They point fingers and cast blame to protect themselves from appearing vulnerable. They may seem aggressive but it's just a protective mask.
- While internalizers shut down. They don't just not share their emotions, they don't share anything. They may make people around them feel ghosted because they refuse to connect.
Your regulation style is a blend of nature and nurture. Some of it is just how you were born, but some comes from your attachment style—the wiring that happened in your brain during childhood. Here's a crash course in Attachment Styles:
Secure Attachment Style – About 55-60% of the population have this style, making them emotionally available without being clingy, able to ask for help when they need it, and capable of handling stress without unraveling.
Anxious Attachment Style – Around 20-25% of the population have this style that causes their emotions to be cranked up to an 11. Everything feels catastrophic to them, and they need reassurance like oxygen.
Avoidant Attachment Style – Another 20-25% of the population are the "I'm fine" people who downplay emotion, prioritize independence, and treat vulnerability like a bad rash.
Disorganized Attachment Style – The smallest group at about 5-10%, these individuals grew up with emotional chaos, and now they want connection but fear it. Their regulation patterns are often unpredictable, bouncing between clinging and shutting down.
While your brain is wired with this attachment style from childhood, that doesn't mean it can't be rewired. Understanding your attachment style, your emotional regulation style, and if you are prevention or promotion focused will help you better regulate yourself and your relationships.
TODAY'S ACTION PROMPTS
→ How has your ability to regulate your emotions impacted your relationships?
And I don't just mean romantic relationships. You have tons of relationships in your life, even if you're single. You have relationships with coworkers, friends, family, that barista at your local coffee shop that always seems awkward but kind.
So think of three specific times that your ability to regulate (or lack thereof) impacted your relationships.
Write each example down and then evaluate how your emotions affected YOU in that moment. How did your assumptions about their emotions play into the interaction?
This isn't a test, it's a chance for you to explore how emotions have affected your relationship and your life—and how learning to regulate them could improve everything.
WANT TO TAKE THIS LESSON DEEPER?
Drew and I go into much more detail about the different emotional regulation styles (including how they differ between men and women) in the Emotions episode of Solved and the Solved Guide for the episode.
Tomorrow I'll share about the four schools of emotional regulation and a great tool you can try when you get dysregulated.
See you then,
Mark
No comments:
Post a Comment