Jalapeño Sauvignon BlancHow Do I Feel About People Putting Peppers in their Wine? The Same Way R.E.M. Feels About The End of The World As We Know It: I Feel Fine
I was at a huge party that Shane Smith, the executive chairman of Vice Media, was throwing at a house he rented in Cannes in the summer of 2016. Servers walked around with trays filled with glasses of rosé. Which contained ice. In the wine. I informed the server that one should not put ice in wine. The server informed me that we were in Provence, the goddamn center of rosé, and they sure as hell do put ice in their wine. This sounded even more devastating both due to his French accent and the fact he was dressed so much better than I was.
I was anti-ice because I wanted to respect winemakers by not watering down their product, but I hadn’t considered the fact that some wine isn’t trying so hard. The people at Coca Cola didn’t count on me watering down their beverage either, but they don’t want me yelling at flight attendants about it. A five-euro bottle of rosé at a Vice party is designed less for contemplation than as an alternative to Red Bull and vodka. Still, when I learned that people are not only freezing slices of jalapeño and dropping them in their Sauvignon Blanc, but asking bartenders to do this, I got upset. People picked those grapes, a winemaker crafted them, a crew dragged a container full of those bottles across an ocean, and then you fried it with 5,000 Scoville units? It turns out that people started doing this a few years ago with rosé. A friend of mine, Josh Quittner, was served this concoction by his food-writer daughter, and he reacted in the proper manner, which is sneezing uncontrollably. She had learned about it from TikTok’s Allyssa in the Kitchen, who prepared the drink the only way one should, which is at the Jersey Shore in a bikini: The trend inexorably migrated to sauvignon blanc, which is the current Basic Woman Wine. The Basic Woman Wine is ordered without looking at a menu or with regard to the region it was made, as in “I’ll have a sauvignon blanc.” The Basic Woman Wine has shifted over time from chardonnay to pinot grigio to sauvignon blanc. Or, as it is referred to by such people: “Sauvy B.”
I’m fine with Spicy Sauvignon Blanc. But I have a few suggestions. First, obviously, use a sub-$12 wine. You put ketchup on a smash burger, not a porterhouse. You use a cheap tequila for your spicy margarita. So for a Spicy Sauvy B, use a bottle of wine with a picture of an animal on the label. Second, if I may be so bold, try a riesling. Or at least a sauvignon blanc with some residual sugar, perhaps from New Zealand, Chile, or South Africa. You’re making a wine cocktail, and you want some sweetness with the spice, something I imagine Allyssa in the Kitchen would agree with. Maybe even bring back the original Basic Woman Wine: White Zinfandel. You can put a whole lot of jalapeño slices in a glass of that. Third, those jalapeño slices thaw out fast. You might want to drop an ice cube in there. You're currently a free subscriber to The Corrupt Wine Writer. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription.
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Friday, May 30, 2025
Jalapeño Sauvignon Blanc
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