LAST WEEK'S BREAKTHROUGHS In last week's newsletter, I asked you to do something that's important to you despite the risk of being criticized for it. This is exactly what one reader has been doing: "Just have a career in Performing Arts and critics both professionals and others, friends, family, are there. Yes critics can pull musicians up, but it can be psychologically tough. I am someone who has learned to live on the edge, part of life in the PA world. This time last year I courageously decided after doing a comedy course to deliver my life so far into a one-woman show 'Guilty Pleasures.' Toughest thing I've done. So glad I went ahead and performed. Yes I'm a sassy super fit fabulous 74-year-old. And shall keep creating forever. Bugger critics. I did myself proud and know most people would never put themselves out there as I did." Another reader is not quite ready to shrug off criticism, and I have some tips for them you might also find helpful: "Why do I care so much? Or in Mark Manson words, why do I give all these f*cks? Mulling that question, I realized that not feeling good enough, a core value of mine, is a feeling. And so I can't control it, and I can't fix it by doing things on the outside, and it won't get fixed by getting outside approval. It really doesn't matter who or what in the far-away past is responsible for planting that feeling. It's inside me, and it's unlikely to ever go away. It can't be fixed, and it can't be satisfied. So, then, what can I do? The quick answer is, 'Nothing.' The more productive answer is to side-step the feeling. To let it be—that 'letting go' thing; to not give a f*ck about that feeling, stop feeding it, and 'do life.' And how do you stop feeding it? I have no f*cking clue, but perhaps awareness is enough to get started. I dare to imagine that when I am not a prisoner of 'not good enough,' I can share my writing, play music loud enough that it carries outside my room, apply for that job, visit my kids, join an online community, and have sushi for lunch every so often." Letting a feeling go is a useful temporary strategy, but unless you're a Buddhist monk, you are unlikely to get good at letting your feelings go all the time in every situation. Here are a couple suggestions for managing a chronic, negative feeling that maybe don't get broadcast enough. First, once you have an awareness of the feeling, develop a non-negative feeling about the feeling. In an old article, I called these "meta-emotions"—we all have them. We feel sad (an emotion) but then we feel guilty about our sadness (a meta-emotion). Interestingly, it's rarely the emotion that screws us up, it's almost always the meta-emotion. We get this idea that we shouldn't be sad and therefore, we beat ourselves up and make ourselves feel worse and then carry over all this self-judgment into other areas of our life. Try to develop positive meta-emotions around your feelings of inadequacy. Accept that this just seems to be a part of you, and instead of dreading it or wishing it wasn't there, develop a playful attitude around it. "Oh, there's my inadequacy again, always showing up just when I need it." Sometimes you can even name it. My wife and I have a playful name for her perfectionism. We talk about it as if it's an actual person and make jokes about it. It's actually incredibly helpful, not only for awareness, but to make sure our meta-emotions about it are positive and non-judgmental. Once you're in this place where you can playfully accept a negative emotion, the next question is how to channel that emotion. Feelings of inadequacy can actually be incredibly productive, if you consciously channel them in a healthy way. When you are aware of the feeling, ask yourself, "What can I do with this feeling that will leave me better off?" Maybe that's some extra work. Maybe that's reaching out to a friend and saying nice things. Maybe that's simply connecting with a partner or family member and letting them know how you feel. What's wild is that once you develop those two skills—playful acceptance of a negative emotion, and productive channeling of it—that negative feeling stops being negative. You're able to sit with it in a way that no longer causes you to suffer and it leads to productive actions in the real world. It's almost like you begin to recognize it for what it is: a silly joke your brain likes to play on you. And for years you fell for it, again and again. But now you don't. Now you're in on the joke. And that makes all the difference. As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you'd prefer to remain anonymous. Until next week, Mark Manson #1 New York Times Bestselling Author
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